Tough Times

I recently found a scholarship. It could pay full tuition for a year and comes with a paid internship. The only problem is that the internship is in Washington for 3 months. I don't want to be away form my family for that long. They're all I have. My so-called friends come and quickly go. They didn't even come to my graduation party. The last opportunity they would probably ever have to see me.
To understand why I feel the way I do about this scholarship, you need to understand what I've been through.


Let's start before I was born. My dad had a friend--let's call her Jill--that he knew from working at the hospital. (He was a paramedic. Like a doctor, but more life-death situations) He knew her before he even met my mom. Jill's family and my family were always close. Jill and my mom were pregnant at the same time. They shared maternity clothes. Her kids, my younger sister, and me became friends. Amasis spent the weekend at their house almost every single Friday. We had our birthday parties with them.

Fast forward 14 years--my freshman year in high school. At this point in time, he was no longer a paramedic. He was head of maintenance at the hospital. He got a new boss recently. This boss was a bunch of words that are inappropriate to say. He wanted to cut corners in the safety regulations. He wanted to say that they took certain safety protocols. My dad was supposed to sign these papers. After refusing there was a mutual quitting/firing. My dad got a new job working as a maintenance instructor at Job Corps (kinda like a school for drop-outs to get a diploma). Jill worked there with him.

Jill was a single mom of two daughters. The oldest one was really close to my dad. He was kind of like the replacement for her father that abandoned them. And she was like a daughter to him. They went fishing and bowling together all the time. One day, he told her that he loved her. Jill freaked out. She said that if he even came close to her family, she would call the police. That was the end of a 20 year friendship.

At this same time, my dad got an offer for a promotion. He would make more money. But this meant that he had to work at the Job Corps in St Paul, Minnesota. 6 hours away from where we lived. Normally, he wouldn't have taken the offer. He moved a lot when he was a kid, and never wanted to make Amasis and me leave our friends. But with the recent events with Jill, he wanted out of there. So he took the job. We saw him every single weekend. 6 hours each direction. This was fall of 2007.

In 2008 my mom got a new job in another town. It was only 30 miles away, but she worked nights. 3:00 PM to 2:00 AM Monday through Thursday. So Amasis and I were like orphans during the week. We would get up in the morning and walk to school without seeing our mom because she was asleep. When we got back home after school, she had already left for work. For 4 days of the week, we had to take care of everything ourselves. We had to do the chores, cook meals, and take care of the pets (1 cat and 1 dog at the time). We were forced to take care of ourselves. It wasn't really difficult, and it made us independent. It just sucked to be forced to do everything around the house all of a sudden. Dad wasn't there to do anything and Mom was asleep during the day.

That same year, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Thyroid cancer and two spots of skin cancer. Luckily, it wasn't too severe and it was easily treated. She had to take radiation treatment then she could stay at home. The treatment made her radioactive, so she had to stay in her room. We only came close to her to bring her food. If she used any dishes, we couldn't use them after her. Weeks after the radiation wore off, she was able to hug us, but she couldn't go near babies or the elderly, which made going to church tough.

During my sophomore year, we put our house on the market. 6 hour trips each weekend were difficult. We wanted to be closer together. It was during March of my sophomore year that I got my first boyfriend. This relationship was short. We broke up that following May. He had just graduated high school and I was going to be moving to Minnesota. We weren't sure if we could handle a long distance relationship.

September of my junior year, Amasis and I did not register for school in our home town. We packed our bags and went to a long term hotel in one of the suburbs in the Twin Cities. The plan was to go to school there. Unfortunately, the house did not sell right away and we didn't have a new house yet. The school we wanted to go to wouldn't let us start classes because we did not have a permanent residence. So we repacked all our stuff and started school in Iowa. The schools started at different times, so we missed 3 weeks of classes. We both had to make up everything we missed. Then we had to deal with the constant questions. "Didn't you move already?"

We still had to deal with 6 hours trips to see my dad. One weekend, we were driving back home and our car died. we were on the interstate and the engine just quit working. Somehow we managed to get to the side of the road. We were stranded there for almost 2 hours. Since this was late winter in the Midwest, it was cold. The sun had set and it was close to the freezing point. And we had no heat. A tow truck picked us up then Dad drove 3 hours to meet us a hotel. They couldn't fix our car, so we had to get it towed 140 miles.

My dad didn't want us traveling to see him anymore, so he made the trip alone each weekend. In the 4 years we dealt with this, he missed 2 weekends. This driving was tough on him. He started getting a sore back and he was tired all the time.

Before the new job, he went on every field trip, he was at every concert and swim meet. After the new job, he couldn't make it anymore. it upset him as much as us.

Winter 2010 he was coming back to watch us at a swim meet. When we saw him on Saturday, he was limping. This had become a common sight, so I though nothing of it. The next weekend, he explained what happened. He was in a car accident. The full account is here. Basically, he lost control of the truck on the ice. After spinning a couple of times, he ended up in the ditch. A mile marker sign broke off on impact and went through the truck door. It went through his seat, between his legs, and into the steering wheel between his fingers, cutting them. If it would have hit an inch in any direction it would have punctured a major artery and killed him. I almost lost my dad. he was an inch from death.

My grandpa died in this time period. I didn't talk to him much. The last few years of his life, he lost a lot of mobility and just sat in a chair all day. I was little and didn't really know my grandparents, so I didn't talk to them. This carried over when I got older and I didn't even see them when we went to visit them. When he was admitted to the hospital, he couldn't move anything and he could barely talk and he didn't seem to be aware of anything going on around him. After a month, he started talking in complete sentences and he could sit up on his own. I though he was getting better and would soon be out. I wasn't worried about anything. When he was put in Hospice, I was in shock and didn't fully comprehend what was going on. I don't talk in situations where I'm uncomfortable, so I still didn't talk to him. I didn't even say a single word to him in his last few weeks of life. I didn't get the chance to tell him I loved him. That's my biggest regret on life.

I've learned to cherish my family. They are important to me. I don't have many friends. I have three friends and I haven't even seen them in a month. I've never really had friends. I was am the social loser that no one want to hang out with. I don't talk. What's the point in having a friend who doesn't even talk to you? As a consequence, the only social interaction I have that's not with sparklers is with my family. They are all I have. And after going through this hell I call the last 4 years of my life, I cherish them. My family has been ripped apart and put back together in the last couple of months.

Close friends we've known 20 years end it all in a day. My dad was always there is suddenly gone. Amasis and I were suddenly forced to fend for ourselves. My mom was diagnosed with cancer. My dad almost died in a car crash. My grandpa died. And there;s even more related stuff I didn't put in here. I had thought I had my future figured out. Then all this happened and my life was turned upside down.

I don't want to miss a moment with my family. I've been in the dorm since September. I only get to see them on weekends. This is killing me. I don't know if I can handle 3 months without them. I've missed too much time with my parents and I've never been away from my best friend, Amasis, that long. The longest I've been away from her was 10 days. She's the only person I can tell my secrets to.

Imagine our best friend that you've known forever. You tell them everything. You went through hell together and survived. Throughout your life, they are literally the only person who has always been there. They are the only person who never left. Now you are being forced apart for 3 months, and you can't see them. What would you do?

This scholarship would be great. We would save $24,000 and it would look great on a resume. But I'm going to have to loose the single most important thing in my life in order to get it. I don't want to miss any more time with them.

On a happier note...

I posted yesterday. It was rather depressing. Normally, I'm in a better mood.
It just really shocked me. I knew I didn't have many friends, but no one at school hates me. I figured someone would show. Even just to stop by.
I've been really depressed since then.

I didn't mean to sound like I think that no one cares.
I know people care.

Especially the sparklers.
I think I said before that you guys are my only friends. I really truly meant that. I didn't think it was that literal, though...

I know I don't even talk to you guys that much. But you actually talk to me. Even though I have never met a single one of you in real life, I've seen so much love and friendship with all of you. So much more than what I see every day (with the exception of my family. we love each other)

╔══╗
╚╗╔╝
╔╝ (¯`v´¯)
╚══`·.¸You all

Thanks for being my friends. :)

What I learned from graduation

This past weekend was my high school graduation. As the title suggests, I learned some things.

First off, the cap and gown are stupid and terrible. Mine were purple. The gown is huge and makes everyone look flat chested. even girls are that are definitely not flat chested. I paid $20 to look like an idiot in a hat that wouldn't even stay on my head. That was just to rent it. I couldn't even keep it (not that I'd want to). I have a theory about it. Whoever made graduation caps and gowns wanted to humiliate us on one of the most important days of our lives. Maybe they wanted us to laugh at each other instead of cry. Maybe they didn't graduate and are angry. Who knows?

Something else that I learned, but kind of always knew, was that I am a loser. I have always been an introvert. People are lucky if I so much as say "Hi." I quite literally never speak. If you don't talk to people, they don't think that you like them, and therefore are not your friend.

I went an entire semester eating by myself at lunch because no one wanted to sit by me. But I've been like this my whole life, so I thought I was used to it. There were a couple of people. My family called them my "friends." but we weren't really friends. I thought they liked me, but they tolerated my presence if I wanted to stand by them. They never even attempted to initiate a conversation with me. I figured it was because they figured I wouldn't say much. Sometimes, though, people would actually talk to me. Usually just to ask for help on homework.

A couple of weeks before my graduation party, I handed out invitations to my "friends" and people who talked to me. I handed out about 20 and sent about 75 invites on facebook. I was thinking that the people who I thought were my friends would come and maybe a few of the other people would at least stop by.

But I was wrong.

Out of almost 100 people who got invites, three people showed up.
Three.
And none of them stayed for more than 10 minutes.
And one of them was a friends of a friend of a "friend." She came longer than my so-called friends.

I always knew I didn't have many friends. But I thought I at least had one friend. Not people that only allowed me to stand by them. I thought they cared about me.

Guess I was wrong.






the less depressing continuation ----> (o_o)

A Vlog. Finally.

So a really long time ago, I said I would do a vlog, but that plan kind of failed. I didn't get it done. But today there was no school, so I decided to do one today. In it, I talk about my book.

So here it is. Sorry about the banging noise at the end. I moved and kicked the desk... Also, I have a quiet voice, so it may be hard to hear me. Sorry.

I have a public link on facebook for the whole album, but I can't find the public link for individual pictures.
This link should take you directly to the album on deviantART with the character pictures, but if it doesn't work, this is the link for my deviant account.
I've gotten a few other pictures that are not colored yet. I will be posting those sometime.

This is the blog about my book.

I think that's it.

Live long and prosper.

-Amarantha

Happy Birthday Rebel!

Happy Birthday! :)
*throws confetti*
*gets out cake*
*lights the candles*

I hope you have an amazing birthday, Rebel. Hopefully, this can make it a little better. :)

     It starts out with an animation from squirrel and Bisk playing her violin. Then there's me describing what we wanted to do. Then Adi played "Wonderwall" for the background music. There are (in order) a video from dragon, a picture from science, a video from jewbie, a picture from sweetiepie, a voicemail from jay, a picture from oreos, a voicemail from priya, a video from adi (it's a little quiet), and then a video from sarge. then a random picture from me.

     There are also two more (Hannah and Neo) who couldn't get in the video. I had some problems converting their recordings, so they wouldn't work when I made the video. :(

I also made you a picture on polyvore :)

Alyssia wrote a poem. Here is a recording of it and the words are below.

Through all the cards…
Confetti flying….
And balloons floating…
There is a birthday girl.
Mixed feelings swirl through her…
Feelings of happiness that she made this birthday…
And feelings of fear of the future…
But before she thought any further, she noticed a simple paper with a poem on the table...
“Birthday girl,” it says. 
Making sure that nobody noticed, she picked it up and opened the thoughts inside…
“To express the meaning of YOU, in this world, 
Is no easy task.
To show just how much you’ve impacted our lives, 
Is no easy task.
You've painted our minds with thoughts about digging deep into our spirit…
To one day pull out a better version of ourselves…
You hugged us and said that it’s okay to be afraid, 
And told us that we’ll eventually grab pick up our courage from the ground,
And continue walking…
But, the lesson  that we listened to the most from you.
Was to always be yourself, even with the difficulty.
Be yourself, you echo out to us.
And we will.
Thank you for being an amazing person, Maddie.
Happy Birthday and we love you. 
 –All of us”
The words ringing from the paper push away all her worries for now…
The Birthday girl puts the note in her pocket,
And goes back to the party, knowing that her friends are always with her.

<3

I also thought of you the last time I heard this song. It's "Whispers in the Dark" by Skillet. I just want you to know you'll never be alone. When darkness comes, you know we're never far.
We love you, Rebel.

I kinda accidentally deleted everything when the video was processing...oops...so I have the skillet video on youtube and you can watch it there in case it didn't work.

Live long and prosper,

-Amarantha93

Snow Puppy

Isn't it adorable? Amasis made this.

Classes Part A

A new year has started. With this new year, a new semester has started. I figured I'd tell you about my classes during my first semester as a senior.

First off, at my school, we kinda have block scheduling. We have A days and B days. There are 4 classes each day. Each one lasts 92 minutes. Lunch is during third block.

I will be splitting this into 2 posts. Part A is my A day classes. Logically, part B is my B days.

My A days:

1st block: Band

I am in the best band in this section of the state. I'm not just saying that to brag, we really are the best. College band teachers come to watch us at pep band. At the state's honor band, my town always gets about 20-30 students accepted. Out of 150 or so. And most of them get first chair.

We got a new teacher two years ago, but thankfully our band didn't fail. We have a wonderful middle school band teacher, so that really helps.

2nd block: Western Civ III

I hate this class. I hate history. Even more because of this class. During my sophomore year, I took a couple of online college credit classes. I am horrible at history, but Western Civ was one of the classes I took. I got my login information 2 weeks after class started and I couldn't understand anything, so I got way behind. And I failed the class. :( I have gotten straight As except for that one class. My parents laughed when they saw an F on my report card...

So I had to retake the class. Normally, it's just sophomores in Western Civ. So I was awkwardly one of two seniors. We got the teacher off topic so many times. We only got through about three fourths of what we were supposed to...

3rd Block: Spanish IV

Not much to say about this class. The teacher can't spell at all, but I like her more than my Spanish I and II teacher. She was crazy. I got a friday award because of her. The only thing that I don't like about Spanish IV is the compositions. Our first day back at school, we had to write a 300 word composition about our summer. But I've kinda gotten used to them now.

4th Block: French III/IV

It sucks to go directly from Spanish to French. Luckily, this semester, I have Spanish on A days and French on B days. We just got a new teacher this year. Our last teacher taught us nothing. No one knows anything...

The way the class is set up is really weird. They combined French III and IV. I am in French III, but I am one of the couple of students who actually knows some French, so it's not hard. I don't pay attention in class...at all... I read or I write in this class.

Live long and prosper.

-Amarantha93

Coming soon: Part B

Party and Polyvore

Guess what? It's my sparkiversary. :D I have been a sparkler for one year.

*puts up balloons*

*throws confetti*

*uses those noise maker thingies*

*feels awkward that no one is joining in*

So...

yeah...


Oh. I made a Polyvore account. I've made some that I really like.
I think my favorite is Among the Clouds
or there is my AVPM collage. It's pretty cool.
I'm not sure how much I like Within the Flowers. It kinda looks  pretty, but I don't know how good it all looks together. But the girl in it is kind of how I picture Amarantha.

If you want me to make you one, I can. It can be something like this if you want.

Au revoir. Je m'en vais.

-Amarantha93

Questions about college. and some stuff about books

As I said in my last post, I got accepted into one of the colleges I applied to. *does the dance of joy* I've kind of started planning on what I want to take with me. Don't really have much on my list...

I know that some of you are in college now. I know that every college is going to be different, but there probably are still some similarities.

How is college different than high school?
What are the dorms like?
How is the food?
Is it a huge major change not being at home?
What are some college necessities?
Is there a ton of homework?
Are the classes long?
Anything else I should know?

Speaking of college, I watched Revenge of the Nerds over Christmas break. I watched with my parents. During part of the movie, my dad asked if it was too late for me to join a convent...

Now about the book stuff. For Christmas, Amasis and I got $20 each for books. Originally, it was to but e-books...for the nook I was supposed to get...which I didn't get. I got a TV instead. I was sad. Anyway, on Thursday, my dad took us to the mall. To Barnes and Noble. I was a very happy little bookworm. :) I saw a few books that I wanted, and I couldn't decide which one to get. While I was still looking, my dad gave each of us another $20. I was an even happier little bookworm. I ended up getting a box set the first three books of the Mortal Instruments series and the Rise of Hannibal Lecter. (originally $28. I got it for $3.49)

My box set is all paperback. I don't want them to get ruined. Is there something I can do with them? I'm probably going to reread it a few times, so the spines will probably get pretty bad. Same with my Harry Potter books. They're all paperback...except for the one I dropped in a lake...oops...

Au revoir. Je m'en vais.

-Amarantha93